Wednesday, October 17, 2007

The 10 Most Asinine Movie Twist Endings

In this French film, it turns out that the obese serial-killing truck driver -- think Larry the Cable Guy except stronger and with more charisma -- was actually an alternate personality of Marie, a hot lesbian played by cutie Cecile de France
Yes that French version of Natalie Portman is the one who stalked and killed a handful of grown men using seemingly superhuman strength to dispatch them with ease. This leads to many puzzling questions, not least of which is, how in the hell did she manage to give herself a blowjob with that decapitated gal's head? (By the way, it's kind of a messed up movie.) Why it sucks: Violent, gory and featuring a sequence of gratuitous lesbian masturbation, High Tension was on track to become one of the great horror films of our time. That is, until its final 10 minutes, where the filmmakers raised their middle fingers to the audience and said, "Hey, you know that awesome movie you were just watching? ... Yeah, well, f**k you. None of it happened."
This might not have been so irritating had there been a logical way of explaining why over half of what was shown on screen, like snapping people's body parts off with bookshelves and being in two different places at once, was physically impossible for Marie to accomplish. We guess, as is often the case in life, the answer can be chalked up to superhuman lesbian strength and teleportation abilities. Or, maybe it can be chalked up to the fact that the filmmakers stole the entire plot from a Dean Koontz novel called Intensity, and in an effort to conceal their unoriginality, they tacked on an ending stolen from about a thousand split-personality movies that came before it. This one is so frustrating because it didn't even need a twist ending. It could've easily ended like any good slasher film: with a prolonged sequence of the villain being killed, but then not really being dead, then appearing again at an inopportune moment, then actually being killed, but, oh wait, his eyes open up an instant before the credits roll. Except instead of credits, there's a half-hour session of the French chicks scissoring. You know, like a good slasher film.


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